I'm 14 years old. I am a gay trans-boy from Spain. At this point idk what the fuck do I do with my life. For me it's summer. I am supposed to be out with friends enjoying, living life with no worries... Personally I dunno. I just stay at home because all the physical people of my surroundings are extremely homophobic, which means I get missgendered on purposed and hearing my deadname all the time. I have online friends and I get along with them nicrly but suddenly everybody stopped talking to me and the 2 that still do only talk abt their couples. I'm okay with that but it's a fucking non-stop. All my friends always talk abt ex couples or actual ones or crushes. I have problems identifying feelings and 2 boys got to call my attention, but I never really knew if I liked them. Also with the 2nd one he told the whole place that I liked him and I was aim of mocks the rest of the schoolyear. My friends always call me sweet names and tell me that they love me, but I don't feel like they mean it. I feel unlovable. I feel like nobody will ever get to love me. I feel extremely lonely. In the past 2 weeks I self-harmed again like 4 times when I was 5 months clean. I've started taking relaxing pills again. I can't look at myself in the mirror and I feel like therapy is not helping. I also can't stand my mom. With my dad I never had good relationship and my mom is just not understandable. She gets angry at me for the most minimum things and makes me feel like shit, leaving me crying for 30 minutes and then comes acting like nothing happened. The feeling of emptiness is starting to hit hard again.